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When The Pain Of Miscarriage Overwhelms

Two years.

 

Two years ago today I lost my baby. In some ways the pain is still fresh. This was my third miscarriage and wasn’t to be my last.  I spent most of the next two years crying or trying not to cry. I hadn’t been pregnant in eleven years and, thanks to health issues, I wasn’t supposed to be able to. Yet here I was.

Just as the numbness from months of crying would set in I would find out I was pregnant again and the cycle of loss, pain, and tears would continue. Over the next year I would lose two more children. What made it worse was that it was my own body doing it. I hated my body because it betrayed me and stole my babies from me.

I could rationalize it and even blame someone else. For well over a decade doctors had it wrong. Every treatment made me worse. Now I am finally on the path to healing but it is a long road. I still have years ahead of me before I will be perfectly healed. So it was those doctor’s fault….. But no, it wasn’t. They tried the best they knew, it was just the wrong things. It was me, I should have had that extra green smoothie, I should have taken that walk, I should have rested more. There is always something more that I could add to that list.

Friends tried to be supportive but being told “you can have another one”, or “you can actually get pregnant now so that is a good sign” wasn’t helping. As a matter of fact, I tried believing and telling myself those same things but they kept me from a healthy grieving process and caused me to take on guilt. Instead of mourning the losses, I tried to bandage it with thoughts of how healthy I was becoming. I removed as many traces of baby things from my life as I could. The pain built up beneath. On the day of the last miscarriage my brother called to tell me that he and his wife were expecting.   As he shared his excitement with me, I was in pain losing my baby. They didn’t even know I was pregnant so as I tried to hide the physical (and emotional) pain I exaggerated the excitement that would have normally come so easily. Soon the pressure cooker of emotions and pain was near exploding. I lived like this for another year.

When I had my second miscarriage it was three months before getting pregnant with my youngest. It took me years to not feel guilty over enjoying and loving my son. I would never have had him if I hadn’t miscarried and somehow that made me feel like I betrayed the child I lost. All those protective self preserving instincts took me away from God’s healing. I started remembering how God gave me His peace about the miscarriages I had years ago but I fought back. I knew God was showing me that in order to walk in healing I had to be willing to confront the pain. I didn’t want that under any circumstances. Who would?

There I was trying my hardest to not feel pain and God is telling me to confront it. I tried to be obedient but I can’t say I did such a great job. I would give Him just small bits and He was faithful. Over time the pieces I hand over to Him have been getting larger and the healing is growing too. There are still certain triggers that bring on the numbness but instead of trying to push it down, I try to bring it to Him. I don’t know if I will ever stop hurting over what could have been but I do know that He has walked this entire path with me and has never left me.

Without pain, how could we be loving compassionate people? Without a willingness to experience suffering how can we truly be committed to each other or to God? These are the questions that keep me seeking a more complete healing. When the pain of miscarriage overwhelms me, I know I serve a God that is greater than pain and overwhelms me with His love.

 

Salt Cured Lime Peel

I love citrus fruits. Oranges, lemons, and limes are my favorites. I will find an excuse to put them into anything. One day, while looking to find another way to add citrus to a meal without driving my children crazy, I came across a most delicious recipe for a warm kale salad and paprika toasted chickpea salad. It had a most unusual, to me, ingredient. Salted lemon peel. I immediately had to try it and I was hooked. They add a rich citrus note to just about any dish. I started making salted peels for oranges and limes as well. It is simple to make and take only a few days for the curing.

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Renewing Your Mind – Practical Steps To Transform Your Thought Life

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The human mind can be described many ways including complex and even a bit mysterious. Our minds hold a great capacity to find the good, to grab onto hope in seemingly hopeless situations, to find the silver lining. It can seek truth, embrace wisdom, and gain understanding. Minds can be creative or logical or maybe a touch of both. Minds can solve problems, discover, wonder, and dream. But above all, the Bible says it is deceitful. ( Jeremiah 17:9 )  Our minds are quick to come to our defense even when we are at fault. It rationalizes our own desires as well as the whispers of the enemy. It can take a small wrong or a misunderstanding and turn it into a cataclysmic event. It can convince you that the truth is a lie and that the lie is the truth. It encourages you to jump to conclusions. It believes the speck is the whole truth even when that speck rests in a field that proves the speck to be a lie.

I think that our thought life is possibly the most difficult struggle in the Christian’s life. It is where our heart and the world play out the battle with our flesh. Our weakness are both exposed and made excuse for in our thought life. As soon as the conviction comes we tend to place blame. When we confuse conviction with condemnation we decide that it’s the enemy who is putting these thoughts into our head instead of realizing it is God trying to lead us out of bondage.

In this type of situation, condemnation is actually conviction given with restorative love that we refuse to receive.

Thus a cycle of being a victim continues. Even when we have a relatively small part in the wrongdoing, getting wound up in this cycle does nothing to help us heal, mature, or move forward. The only way to break this cycle is by changing our thought life.

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Word For 2015

I’m sure you’ve noticed dandelions. One day you see one in the yard and remind yourself to pick it before it goes to seed. But then you forget about it. It’s only one little flower. Then overnight it seems to have taken over your entire yard, and your neighbor’s. And maybe even the house around the corner. Dandelions get multiplying. They are masters at it. While we may not like them in our yards I believe this year we can become more like them as far as multiplying goes.

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Multiplied

In autumn, around the time of Rosh Hashanah – the Jewish New Year, the Lord will give me direction for the upcoming year. A word that keeps standing out to me. A song that I can’t let go of.

It was near the end of summer when I heard the first notes of a song on the radio. It was one of those moments when you feel quickened inside and you listen with intention, excitement, and peace. Even now as I’m typing this, I’m listening to it and I am washed over with joy.

It wasn’t until a few weeks later that I realized I hadn’t asked for His leading for the upcoming year. Quickly, I begin asking for his Word for me and before I could even finish asking that small still voice spoke and said that He had already given it to me. At that very moment on the radio that same song began and I realized anew just how faithful God is. Freely giving even before we ask.

As the lyrics were sung the meaning for both the song and the Word for the upcoming year filled me.

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New Years Eve Family Party Ideas

After the hustle and bustle of Christmas preparations and gatherings, New Year’s Eve has become a laid back family game day in our home.
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Everyone can sleep in as late as they want to. Games upon games come out and we each take turns picking a game to play with everyone. Everyone can have one game that we add to the “Not Playing” list.  When it is your turn to pick the game, you can pick any game except for a game on that list. Alternately, you can have a set of games to choose from.

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All foods are finger foods. I’d like to say that we only eat healthy finger foods like strawberries and bananas or that I make beautiful appetizers from scratch. Nope. Not on NYE. This is the one day that we severely reduce all food restrictions in our home. While I still have healthy options available, the whole point of the day is to relax and enjoy each other. No running around cooking. I might make some homemade salsa or cookies the day or two before. Chicken wings, mozzarella sticks, chips and dip, Costco bulk appetizers, and fondue are the usual NYE foods. For the most part, everything just needs to be opened and put in the oven to cook or poured onto a plate or bowl.

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We also make fun child friendly drinks. You can dip the rims of your glasses into melted chocolate and then into sprinkles. When dried, fill with milk or a milkshake.

We’ve also make beverages mixing sodas and juices.

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Sometimes we will make some crafts for NYE. We’ve done Christmas Crackers filled with confetti which are extremely easy to make.

Take empty bathroom tissue tubes, fill with confetti (or candy, or whatever you’d like), using tissue paper (or wrapping paper) wrap around the tube leaving a few inches extra on each side. Using ribbon, gather the extra paper and tie it with a few knots or small bow. Repeat on the other side. When midnight comes, pull the sides apart and confetti will fall!

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You can make your own noise makers, balloon drop and even hourly project packs. You can make confetti cake or confetti cookies in advance to free up your day.

The key is EASY. If it can be done in advance…great! But on NYE, nothing time consuming. Nothing that takes you away from your family.

My favorite idea is the Blessing Jar or Thankful Jar. This is a large candy-type jar or container that sits in a somewhat conspicuous location along with a pad of paper and a pen. Throughout the year as someone receives a blessing, they write it out, fold it up, and place it in the jar. (For younger children crayons and drawing paper can be used or children can ask someone older to write out the blessing.) Then, on NYE, you read all the blessing of the past year.

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For more ideas on celebrating New Years with your family visit my NYE Pinterest board. All links in this post are to Pinterest ideas. Enjoy and have a Happy & Blessed New Year! 🙂

 

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*** WELCOME ***

Vicki
This is my cyber home. I invite you to walk with me on my healthy mind, healthy body, and healthy spirit journey.
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